


Somewhat Damaged

by attackedastoria



Series: Passing Through a Screen Door [5]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Porn, Choking, Feels, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Regret, Rough Sex, bodhi is super fucked up, i shame myself, little bit of unrequited love, self destructive behavior, they're gonna be fine tho i promise, wedge isn't much better off
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 14:20:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10024478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attackedastoria/pseuds/attackedastoria
Summary: Wedge knows he isn't a saint, despite what Bodhi may think at times.[sequel toIt's Dangerous to Go Alone(Take This)]





	

 

Wedge is being a _responsible adult_ and studying for his sound engineering exam when his phone goes off, startling the shit out of him. He snatches it off the desk and glances at the screen, figuring it’s probably Han or Lando, because it’s late and they probably want to hang out and drink before the _hell week_ of exams start—

 

 **From: Jyn-Genie**  
have you talked to bodhi today??  
or seen him at all?

 

Wedge frowns, because that sounds _slightly ominous_ , and leans back in his desk chair as he types out a reply.

 

 **To: Jyn-Genie**  
no, i haven’t, actually. everything okay? 

 

His phone buzzes again before he can set it down.

 

 **From: Jyn-Genie**  
he disappeared this morning and he won’t answer his phone

 

Wedge is already up and out of his chair before he realizes it, going to grab his jacket as he types furiously with one hand.

 

 **To: Jyn-Genie**  
and you’re asking me this shit NOW? did he say anything when he left?

 **From: Jyn-Genie**  
we’ve been looking for him, i’m sure he’s fine, it’s just  
it’s THAT day  
he always does this but he’s been gone longer than usual

 **To: Jyn-Genie**  
what day?? for fuck’s sake erso

 **From: Jyn-Genie**  
cardinal

 

Wedge stops dead in his tracks, feeling his chest clench for a moment— _shit_. Of course it was _that fucking day._

He grabs his keys off the kitchen counter, already running through Bodhi’s usual haunts in his head, trying to think where the hell he could be— he yanks the door open hard, and stops short again, eyes wide as he feels all of his breath leave his god damn lungs with relief—

 _Bodhi_ is standing there, hand raised like he was about to knock, his own eyes wide with surprise. Mother _fucker_ , Wedge is going to _kill this kid._

“Get in here, you enormous _pain in my fucking ass_.” Wedge hisses, grabbing Bodhi by the collar of his hoodie and pulling him into the apartment. Bodhi stumbles slightly, and Wedge can smell whiskey on him— his eyes are rimmed in red, like he’s been crying on top of getting drunk, and his skin is cold, which means his dumb emo ass has been wandering around the city for hours, drinking and avoiding his _feelings._

Wedge shoves Bodhi down on the edge of his bed before pulling his phone out of his pocket and sending Jyn a quick text.

 

 **To: Jyn-Genie**  
guess who just showed up reeking of whiskey and pure emo?  
i’ll take care of him

 **From: Jyn-Genie**  
oh thank christ  
let me know if we need to come get him, he can be a handful when he’s like this.. thanks wedge

 

Wedge snorts and throws his phone on his desk, because that is an _understatement_ , before he turns to look at Bodhi, who still hasn’t said a damn word. “You look like shit, princess.”

Bodhi lifts his head enough to give Wedge a weak glare, which Wedge ignores as he shrugs his jacket off and tosses it over a chair. Bodhi sighs heavily and drops his head again, raking one hand through his messy hair, before he flops onto his back with a soft grunt.

“I _feel_ like shit.” Bodhi mutters, and _that’s_ no surprise— Wedge sighs as he sits beside Bodhi on the bed, looking down at him with something akin to pity, because as _pissed_ as he is at Bodhi for scaring him[and everyone else] like that, he does feel bad for him. He _really_ doesn’t know how to cope with his feelings.

“If you ever pull that shit again, I’m pretty sure Jyn is going to kill you.” Wedge pauses, narrowing his eyes. “ _I_ might kill you first, though.”

Bodhi snorts but doesn’t say anything, staring up at the ceiling with a tired, somewhat blank expression. Wedge watches him for a few minutes, not sure what to say, or do, because he’s _never_ been at this kind of shit, but—

“You wanna talk about it, or you want me to break out my stash?” Wedge offers, despite the small part of his brain telling him _drugs_ are not the answer for this, even though they might help temporarily— Bodhi snorts again, biting down on his lower lip in a way that Wedge feels awful about for finding attractive at this exact moment.

“The second one. Please.”

Wedge is probably going to regret this, but he goes to bust out the _really good shit_ he got from Ahsoka, because this is probably the closest he’s going to get to a special occasion.

 

————

 

Wedge is slightly impressed, because Bodhi takes hits off his pipe like a champ, and clearly has a _much_ higher tolerance than Wedge does for Ahsoka’s good shit. 

Bodhi doesn’t look particularly happy, but Wedge can see the tension leave his body, the tight lines around his eyes and the corners of his mouth softening. Wedge feels pretty damn loose himself, even though he’s trying to pace himself and not get completely fucked, because he’s mostly just doing this for Bodhi’s benefit. Okay, maybe a _little_ bit for his own benefit, too.

Bodhi shifts, laying his head in Wedge’s lap, and Wedge almost automatically runs his fingers through Bodhi’s hair, rubbing the soft, dark strands between his fingers— fuck, he had nice hair. Bodhi hums pleasantly, his eyes closed, and Wedge closes his own eyes so he doesn’t get distracted by staring at his friend’s stupid pretty face.

“I destroy everything I love.” Bodhi says suddenly, like he’s talking about the _fucking weather_ , and Wedge’s eyes pop open, because _what the fuck_ — “It’s like I’m cursed to ruin everything.. “

“That’s bullshit, and you know it.” Wedge interjects, feeling a flash of hot anger, because dead or not, _fuck_ Bodhi’s ex for doing this to him— “Just because you’re fucked up doesn’t mean you _destroy_ people, Bodhi. Jesus.”

“I’m destroying _you_ …” Bodhi mutters, sounding remorseful, and Wedge stiffens up— when he looks down, Bodhi is staring up at him with eyes like warm whiskey, and Wedge has to clench his jaw and look away.

“i’m doing a pretty great job of destroying myself all on my own, thanks..” Wedge mutters, because it’s true, he is _plenty_ fucked up with Bodhi tempting him along. He snorts softly. “You don’t love me, anyway, so your point sucks.”

Bodhi bites his lip, and Wedge watches as he worries it between his teeth, distracted—“I don’t love you the way you want me to love you. I can’t.” Bodhi admits, and Wedge flinches a little, because _fuck_ , that stings, even though he knew it already. Bodhi closes his eyes,his voice going low, like he’s talking to himself instead of Wedge, now. “I think maybe I could have, though, if I wasn’t so fucked up.. “

Wedge feels like he’s been _punched_ , and he swallows hard against the tightness in his throat, because that? _That_ should be the nail in the coffin for his stupid little obsession, this idiotic crush— but unfortunately for Wedge, that just makes him want Bodhi more, because Wedge is nothing if not _completely self destructive_ , and the king of making terrible decisions.

“Can’t blame a guy for trying..” Wedge mutters, reaching to grab his pipe off the nightstand, because he suddenly needs to be way more fucked up than he is. He sparks the lighter and takes a very deep hit, holding it as he closes his eyes, enjoying the burn and letting it distract him—

Wedge feels Bodhi shift, and then Bodhi’s lips are suddenly on his, coaxing them open— Wedge lets out a startled moan, feeling a little lightheaded as Bodhi breathes the smoke right out of his damn lungs, licking his way inside Wedge’s mouth lazily. Bodhi tastes like whiskey, pot, and something Wedge decides to label _regret_ , and he forces himself to break away, sucking in a ragged breath.

“If you want a hit, you can just _ask_..” Wedge manages to get out, swallowing hard, because he cannot handle this tonight, not with the way Bodhi is looking at him from underneath his lashes like that with his stupid hazy eyes.

“What if I want you to fuck me.. I gotta ask for that too?” Bodhi murmurs, and Wedge feels his mouth go dry, because this cannot be happening _again_ — Bodhi’s pupils are almost completely blown, from a mix of drugs, alcohol, and lust, Wedge realizes— and he knows this is wrong, he knows that Bodhi is fucked out of his mind right now, just looking for comfort, looking to be destructive because that’s how they _both_ seem to cope with shit, apparently— and Wedge is still sober enough to know this would be a terrible fucking idea—

Bodhi loves to tell Wedge that he’s a good person, but Wedge knows better than that— his morals have always been questionable, at best, when it comes to getting what _he_ wants. And he wants _Bodhi_ right now, so his morals can fuck off tonight.

“You gotta beg for that, actually..” Wedge mutters, fisting one hand in Bodhi’s shirt and pulling hard— Bodhi meets his lips in a harsh kiss, moaning as he pushes his way into Wedge’s lap, grabbing at the back of his neck. Wedge groans, one hand grabbing at Bodhi’s hip, the other sliding around to grab his ass, pulling him in roughly— he’s already half hard, because this is what Bodhi fucking _does_ to him, and even Wedge can realized how _screwed up_ that is—

Bodhi breaks away from him, and Wedge pants hard as he watches him strip off his hoodie, his shirt— Bodhi grabs Wedge by the hair and hauls him in for another kiss, hot and wet and messy because neither one of them seem very coordinated at the moment, but that’s just fine with Wedge— 

Bodhi shifts his hips, grinding against him, and Wedge groans low in his throat, gripping the curve of Bodhi’s ass with both hands now, grinding against him in return as Bodhi whimpers into his mouth. Wedge needs more, this isn’t nearly enough, he could probably crawl inside Bodhi and it wouldn’t be _enough_ — he shifts quickly, pressing Bodhi down onto his back, and Bodhi arches his hips as Wedge settles between his thighs, seeking friction and contact that Wedge is more than happy to provide.

“I’m pretty sure we’re destroying each other, now..” Bodhi pants against his lips, and Wedge can certainly agree with _that_ — he doesn’t exactly fucking care right now, though. He knows he’ll take a bullet for Bodhi whether Bodhi loves him or not, because as fucked up as they both are, Wedge will always look out for his own, and that’s all that matters.

“If you really don’t want this, tell me to stop, and I will..” Wedge breathes against Bodhi’s neck, mouthing at his skin— Bodhi tilts his head back with a moan, and Wedge bites down on the line of his throat sharply enough to leave a bruise.

“Fuck..” Bodhi hisses, fisting his hands in Wedge’s shirt, starting to writhe in an entirely too enticing way as Wedge sinks his teeth into his shoulder next, then the sharp line of his collarbone. Wedge pulls back long enough to rip off his shirt, and then Bodhi is pushing himself up so he can attack Wedge’s skin in return now, biting and mouthing at the hollow of his throat, his collarbone, dipping his head down so he can graze his teeth over his nipple—

Wedge grabs Bodhi by the throat and shoves him down against the mattress harder than he intends to, but it draws a sharp, needy sound out of Bodhi that makes Wedge’s cock twitch with appreciation. He squeezes Bodhi’s throat just a bit, testing— Bodhi lets out another needy sound, higher pitched this time, his lashes fluttering, and Wedge swallows hard, because— _okay_. If that’s how he wants it? _He can do that._

Wedge leans down for a harsh kiss as he rips Bodhi’s belt open, then his jeans, yanking them off with little ceremony, along with his boxers— Bodhi arches up, looking completely desperate as he groans, and Wedge has to suck in a deep breath to try and calm himself down, because he needs to focus—

“Don’t move.” Wedge is a little surprised by how rough his voice is, but then again, he can’t remember the last time he wanted something this much— probably the last time he fucked Bodhi, actually. Bodhi makes an impatient sound as Wedge leans over the bed, yanking open his nightstand to find the lube and a condom, because _safety fuckin’ first—_

“Hurry up and _fuck me_..” Bodhi demands, voice a low growl, the voice he uses when he _sings_ , and that jolts straight down to Wedge’s cock as he hurriedly uncaps the lube and shoves Bodhi’s thighs apart roughly, not bothering to flip him over, because he wants to see his _face_ this time—

“I’ll fuck you when I’m damn well _ready_ to..” Wedge rumbles, leaning over for a hard, biting kiss that makes Bodhi whimper just a bit— he slicks his fingers quickly while Bodhi’s distracted, biting at the column of his throat as Bodhi tosses his head back with another impatient sound—

The noises Bodhi makes when Wedge starts to prep him should be fucking _outlawed_ under penalty of death— Wedge has to fight hard to control himself as he watches Bodhi try to fuck himself on his fingers, and he knows that no matter what the fuck happens, he will always have this mental image burned in his brain until the day he dies, _jesus fucking christ._

“Look at how fucking desperate you are..” Wedge mutters, breathing harder as he curls his fingers, drawing a sharp, broken moan out of Bodhi’s throat. He’s fucking gorgeous like this, and Wedge feels a pang in his heart when he remembers Bodhi’s never _really_ going to be his— he’ll take this, though. He always takes what he can get.

“ _Fuck_.. c’mon…” Bodhi practically whines, sounding absolutely desperate as he thrusts his hips— Wedge withdraws his fingers with a groan, because he can’t fucking take it anymore, and quickly leans back on his heels so he can rip his belt open and shuck off his jeans and boxers. Bodhi starts to shift, trying to turn over, but Wedge stops him, pinning him down with his weight as he grabs Bodhi’s thighs and lifts his hips up.

“Did I say you could fucking move?..” Wedge is breathing hard as he rips the condom packet open and slides it on, quickly slicking his cock with lube— Bodhi makes a demanding sound as he locks his ankles behind Wedge’s back, and his pupils are so blown as he stares up at him, biting his lip, and Wedge _knows_ this is messed up because Bodhi’s just looking to have his pain fucked away, but fuck, he’s no god damned saint either—

Wedge grips Bodhi’s thighs in a bruising grip as he lines himself up and sinks into his body with one hard thrust, letting out a choked moan of pleasure— Bodhi bucks against him, his mouth dropping open with a loud cry as he tosses his head back, and Wedge doesn’t waste any time as he starts to pound into him.

“ _Fuck_ …” Wedge hisses between his teeth, resisting the urge to clench his eyes shut, because he wants to _see_ Bodhi like this, see how wrecked and beautiful he looks as he makes all kinds of desperate, broken noises—

“ _Wedge_ …” Bodhi moans his name brokenly, and Wedge groans as that wrings a particularly hard thrust out of him, because Bodhi’s _never_ moaned his name before, and he probably never will again, and it’s almost too _much—_

“Say it again…” Wedge demands, voice rough, and when Bodhi doesn’t immediately comply, he wraps one hand around his neck, pressing Bodhi down into the mattress as he fucks into him harder— “ _Say it!”_

“Fuck, _Wedge_ — !” Bodhi cries out, absolutely desperate and breathless, his lashes fluttering, looking utterly gorgeous, how is he always so _gorgeous_ even when he's so _fucked up_ — “Harder.. _please_ …”

Wedge squeezes Bodhi’s throat a little harder, careful not to apply _too much_ pressure, and Bodhi’s choked out, broken moans spur him on harder, faster, trading finesse for force— god, Bodhi looks so beautiful like this, it’s not fucking _fair—_

Wedge barely has to touch Bodhi’s cock before he’s coming with a sharp, strangled cry of ecstasy that sounds more like a sob as his body trembles. Wedge lets out his own broken sound of pleasure as he bites down hard on Bodhi’s shoulder, giving a few quick, sharp thrusts before he comes as well, feeling like he can’t breathe, like his chest might _crack open—_

He collapses on top of Bodhi with a grunt and doesn’t move, both of them breathing hard for a few minutes— Bodhi’s breath starts to hitch, and when Wedge lifts his head, Bodhi’s _crying_ , his eyes clenched shut, and Wedge feels his heart twist painfully as his eyes widen.

“Shhh.. hey.. you’re okay, I’ve got you…” Wedge whispers, pushing himself up, gathering Bodhi into his arms as tight as he can. Bodhi’s breath hitches on another sob as he presses his face into Wedge’s chest, clinging to him.

“I’m _so sorry_.. you’re my _best friend_ and I do this to you, I’m so sorry, I’m _so fucked up_..” Bodhi whimpers against his skin, and Wedge squeezes him tightly, pressing his face into Bodhi’s hair— this is fucked up, they’re _both_ fucked up, god help them—

“I’m here for you no matter what, Bodhi.. shhh... “ Wedge swallows, pressing a soft kiss to Bodhi’s damp hair as he rocks him gently. “You’re gonna be okay, I _promise_.. I’ll do _anything_ to help you, even though I’m just as fucked up, I swear..”

Bodhi’s breath hitches again, and Wedge murmurs soothingly against his ear, holding and rocking him gently as his own eyes starts to burn, because he doesn’t know what else to do, and he hates himself for that.

 

————

 

Two days later, Wedge and Jyn drop Bodhi off the local mental health center, because he asks them to take him, because he’s tired of being _fucked up._

Bodhi takes a two week leave of absence, and when he comes back, he’s got a bottle of pills, a determined edge in his tired eyes, and a tentative lightness in him that makes the tightness in Wedge’s chest finally ease.

“We.. we still good?” is the first thing Bodhi asks him, looking at Wedge sideways as they walk towards the coffee shop— Wedge can hear the trace of shame in his voice, see the tentative hope in his eyes, because Bodhi thinks he’s fucked up their friendship irreparably with his self-destruction, of course. But it isn’t just Bodhi who has a self-destructive streak a mile long, and Wedge knows _he_ was no saint, all things considered. He smiles warmly, because if Bodhi thought he was going to get rid of him _that_ easily, he had another thing coming.

“We’re good, Bodhi.. we’re always good.” Wedge promises, slipping one arm up so he can hug his friend roughly around the neck, pressing a quick kiss to his temple.

Bodhi smiles, bright and happy and utterly relieved before hugging him back, and the sight of his friend smiling like that is enough to convince Wedge that they’re both going to be just fine, in the long run.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ..... [shrug emoji]
> 
> This is the last part of the Bodhi/Wedge background story angst fest! Now these two idiots can get their shit together and go on to be happy, slightly more well adjusted adults. Thank god..


End file.
